The hardest thing I’ve ever written

I’ll have to apologise in advance, when I write with emotions I tend to go off track and ramble a bit, but stick with it and I hope there’ll be a point to it in the end. I’m hoping to keep the theme of this blog on mental health and in doing so, if I can help just one person then it was worth it, although at this point of writing I’m not even sure I’ll be posting this anywhere.

We all like to put up a front of how well we are doing, social media only accentuates this, look at my perfect life with my perfect relationship and perfect kids and pets or whatever it is you like to post. But the sad truth is for me, is I’m struggling with my own mental health and I have for a few years now. These problems have led to a constant struggle with alcohol as coping a mechanism and as we both know from the outside this doesn’t solve anything, it is just a form of escapism that allow you to forget your problems for a short time, but when that wears off the problems are all still there, and in a lot of cases, they are now magnified by your altered state of perception. This is a vicious circle I’ve been in for some time. As a man I am told constantly to talk when I’m feeling sad or things are becoming worse, but sometimes we don’t always have that support system around us, or fear telling some people as it may only hurt them as well. Now because of this situation I often find myself in, I’ve resorted to writing my problems down, just to try and drag some of the feelings out of my head in a hope to feel better.

The truth is, I’m worried I’m not being the person I’m expected to be, I feel like I can’t support the people around me, I can’t be the Dad that my children deserve and I can’t be the husband my Wife deserves. Because of this internal conflict I’m driven to a constant state of hating who I am, this causes mood swings and in turn I push the people closest to me away, which is exactly what I want to avoid. It has led me to some very dark places, and I’m sad to say it has led me to consider some drastic actions, as I feel it would be better for those closest to me in the long run. When I’m thinking clearly, I can see that this is of course stupid and would only hurt everyone a lot more in the long run, but depression and mental health is sometimes too powerful to dismiss, and I worry sometimes I won’t be strong enough to just dispel those feelings as nothing more than a stupid thought. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve waited till I was alone to let my feelings out because I didn’t want to burden others with my feelings, but can you imagine how hurt you would be to learn a loved one did this, had so much pain inside them but felt it would only burden you if they shared it?

When you struggle to express feelings and emotions, how you are perceived when you feel depressed can look very selfish, so if you have a friend or family member that may be acting out or feel like they’re pushing you away, ask them if they’re ok. But not just once in a sort of passing manner, really ask them, are you actually ok? This can make such a difference to a person who might be struggling, specially if it comes from someone who they care about. And if its you who is struggling, I know you’ve heard it a million times, but talk about your problems, and if you feel like no one cares enough to ask, approach one of your friends or family members. A lot of the time people are dealing with their own problems and can be oblivious to what is happening to the people around them, so by wanting to talk to them, you might even help them with some issues they are facing.

The biggest problem I have faced is my warped sense of reality, I like to consider myself as quite intelligent, but if I’m feeling down, or stressed or angry, I’ll be the first to admit I am an absolute F@#king idiot. This causes me to act out on emotions and do things that appear out of character, it’s like I can see myself doing the things I shouldn’t be, but unable to stop myself in doing so. This behaviour is harmful to myself and my loved ones, and an easy way to avoid acting out is through self-medication, which, as I said before, only causes the problems and therefore the actions, to be greatly magnified in the long run. There is no worse feeling in the world then hurting your own loved ones, especially when acting out of love, if this is something that sounds familiar, don’t be selfish and drag everyone else down with you, maybe some space from those people will help. But be honest and tell them, honesty when feeling depressed will make things feel a lot easier. Don’t get yourself trapped in a web of lies, you already feel like a bad person, don’t actually become one as well.

So, I’ve said to talk, and I’ve said to be honest with your loved ones, but there are a few more things you should try. Try writing down all of your problems, everything you can think of that’s bothering you, when you’ve done that, cross out all of the ones that are beyond your control, and concentrate on the others. This is exactly what I’m trying to do now, I’ve joined my other clients in starting the 6-week shred, alcohol, sweets, takeaways, all the things that give you a quick dopamine hit, are now off limits for at least 6 weeks. We’ll call this a dopamine fast, and by doing this, we cause the brain to open up more dopamine receptors and then even smaller pleasures will feel greater, this is why food you normally take for granted tastes amazing when you’ve not allowed yourself to eat it for a while.

Finally, try and become the person who people can rely on in a crisis. If the world around you was falling apart, could you be the person who is strong enough for people to turn to? I’m not there yet, but that is my ultimate goal, to be strong enough to help the people around me. I’m hoping by laying a lot of my feelings bare, I’ve taken a big step towards being able to achieve this. I hope if any of this a resonated with you, that you can take that big step forwards as well.

I’m far from perfect, sometimes I struggle to feel motivated to get out of bed, sometimes my thoughts turn dark, sometimes I’m genuinely ok, but that’s ok because I’m not alone and a lot of people feel the same. And a lot of people DO care about all of us, and if you want to talk they will listen, don’t make the mistakes I’ve done and try and carry the weight on your own shoulders, just because people don’t ask, doesn’t mean they don’t care.

Aaron